My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
