So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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