Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
