I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
