i barfeds in our rink
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
