Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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