there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
