I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
