don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
