then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
