bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The adults are the big ones right?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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