Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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