I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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