i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You ruined the universe
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
