Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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