Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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