i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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