btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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