Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
