Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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