Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
