I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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