im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
