cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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