I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
