just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
