I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
