no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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