had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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