Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
