So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
