pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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