seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize