so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
