and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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