life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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