Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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