My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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