the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
