Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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