I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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