My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my phone needs a breathalizer
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
