grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Soap is not a condiment
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
