I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
