he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
