This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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