He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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