Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
