apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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