I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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