i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Randomize
