Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
